I have been feeling pretty ungrounded lately. Life has had a lot of ups and downs. I am in the darkness of my Saturn Return, and it has been heavy. I have not been feeling like myself recently nor have I been able to produce things that I want to. In some sense, I am, but other parts of me has been struggling. The spring of 2016 was a tornado. My life got pretty stirred up and chaotic. I had close friends pass on to the side, a school that I went to tanked and closed, I had to leave my nest and little bubble in Vermont, and I started graduate school. I am back in New Jersey with some family while this transition rides out and while I figure out what I am going to do next. Graduate school is taking up a large chunk of my time, and the reason why I have not been producing much here. Instagram has been the platform I use daily, but have not been able to keep up with the blog or creating content.
Life has had many ups and down lately, but I feel as if I am moving through it. I’ve been having doubts about my career path. Sometimes I want to devote more time to this project and another project that I am doing. I’ve been juggling too many things and not focusing my energy on one thing. School has been my primary focus, but sometimes I ask myself if I really want to be a clinician. I really like working with people, but the mental health system kind of burned me out, and I guess I am still in recovery from the strain that it had on me emotionally and mentally. I mention these self-doubts because we have to accept that they are part of life. Being open and transparent is important and acknowledges the difficulty of the human experience. As much as I believe that life is full of love and light, it is also filled with darkness and struggle. I accept it and realize that without the darkness, it is difficult to appreciate the light.
I took a journey the other day. I asked the spirits for guidance and for strength to continue on this crazy path of mine. As I entered into the lower-world, I saw the beautiful eyed-feathers of the peacock. The peacocks feathers entranced me as it showed me its beauty and elegance. I got a message from the peacock. It told me to keep on moving forward. Peacock told me to show the world my magic with my words. This vision gave me inspiration and motivation. Peacock told me that I am about to rise up and step into my role soon. The downtime and the liminal phase that I am experiencing is part of my process. I needed to get stalled. I needed to pump the breaks and re-evaluate everything in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I am not where I am supposed to be in life. There is a part of me that wants to already be “there.” I see many of my friends and peers doing their thing, and I often feel stagnant in my movement. I remind myself that everyone is on a different path than I am. I remind myself that even though some of my peers are “there,” my path is different. I usually take the slow route. I examine every angle and every possibility. I slow myself down and realize my limits. I try to be mindful of the process, which I know I am. Others dive into the waters, deep or shallow, while I usually sit by the water’s edge feeling the temperature, looking at what lies beneath, and figuring out where to enter. I take a watchful approach to life.
Peacock, as Ted Andrew (2013) points out, is a symbol of watchfulness, and is about examining the foundations to life. Ironically, this is what Saturn emphasizes as well. Like the phoenix, the peacock risings out of the ashes, symbolizing death and rebirth. Peacock instills self-confidence and respect, and also represents wholeness. The Peacock symbolizes stepping into one’s purpose and becoming a leader. Just as the Peacock flaunts its beautiful feathers and dances to attract what it wants, Peacock is a reminder that to rise up out of the ashes we have to be willing to flaunt what we have and show the world our magnificent dance.
I have to say, Peacock medicine was pretty spot on with where I am at in life. With all the self-doubt and ups and downs that have been happening lately, I feel like this next phase in life is about rising out of the ashes and stepping into a new role with confidence.